Complete Billy Mays Toxicology Report

The autopsy report for Billy Mays was released yesterday. Turns out "cocaine use" was listed as a contributing cause of death, along with heart disease. The toxicology tests also showed the painkillers hydrocodone, oxycodone and tramadol, as well as anti-anxiety drugs alprazolam and diazepam.

Some other surprising (and not so surprising) substances were found in Billy Mays' body:

Black "Just for Men" Beard Dye
The intense blackness of Billy's beard was about as natural looking as a bad Sean Connery toupee.


48 ounces of Red Bull
You don't think Billy just rolled out of bed in the morning acting that hyper?


Oxicleancontin (mix of Oxiclean & Oxycontin)
Billy apparently got confused by the labels and got his Oxiclean mixed up with his hillbilly heroin.


Two McGriddles
McGriddles are the worst food ever invented, and eating two in one day is definitely pushing it. This probably put more strain on Billy's heart than anything else. McDonald's reportedly tried unsuccessfully to have this detail kept out of the public record.


Look for all these gory details to be further explored in the inevitable Billy Mays biopic.

5 Ugliest/Sexiest Amy Winehouse pics

Most every guy I've ever talked to thinks Amy Winehouse is butt fugly. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I find this walking (stumbling) train wreck to be quite the looker. Here are my favorite ugly/sexy Amy Winehouse pics:


I've always liked sporty women, and apparently, Amy loves to jog. Who cares if she's running because giant invisible spiders are chasing her? She didn't get those toned, skeletal legs just by sitting around being sober.

Here's proof positive of Amy's natural beauty. She didn't even have time to apply her pointy eyeshadow or run a brush through her hair before leaving the crackhouse, and yet she's glowing like A-Rod after a makeout session with himself.



Okay, I admit it -- Amy looks like a dude in this pic. In fact, she looks like a dude who could kick my ass. But hey, at least she's eating something. Nothing's hotter than a girl with an appetite. Except maybe Lady Gaga in a muppet outfit.


Lovely Amy drew a teardrop on her cheek to show off her creative side and express her sorrow for all the suffering in the world. Sensitivity is very sexy, as is the come hither wink Amy is giving here. Forget bedroom eyes, these are "let's do it on the kitchen floor before I lose consciousness" eyes.


Amy looks like she just crawled out of a freshly dug grave, and who hasn't fantasized about doing the horizontal mambo with a zombie? This picture is so hot, I have to stop typing so I can lick my computer screen.

5 Services LA Provides for Celebrities

Despite complaints from many local taxpayers, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa angrily asserted this week that the city is obligated to pick up the $1.4 million tab for the Michael Jackson Memorial Concert.

La La Land has to keep showbiz royalty (dead or alive) happy at any cost in order to keep up its civic pride. Turns out that the City of Los Angeles provides other special services to celebrities, such as:

5. Free Taxi Service for Lindsay Lohan

After several "vehicular incidents" the city realized it would cost less to pay for free cab rides for Lindsay Lohan than it would be to continue repairing damaged buildings and telephone poles left in her destructive wake.



4. Free Reproductive Services for Paris Hilton

City health clinics provide Paris Hilton with an unlimited supply of condoms, birth control pills, and contraceptive patches. Hopefully she will use all three at the same time.



3. Jew-Free Police Force for Mel Gibson

The LAPD has paid all their Jewish officers to convert to Christianity in order to keep Mel Gibson from flying into a rage next time he's pulled over.



2. Free Parking for the Cast of Saved by the Bell

This one is a bit of a head-scratcher. In 2002, then-mayor James Hahn declared that the principal cast of the beloved SBTB can park at any meter within LA city limits without charge. Dustin Diamond reportedly sold his "free parking for life" placard back in 2003 for a reuben sandwich and two macaroons. Sadly, Dennis "Mr. Belding" Haskins already qualifies for handicapped parking, due to his morbid obesity.



1. Free Breast Implants for Actresses



An LA law since the days of LA Law covers the cost of mammary modifications for any woman with a SAG card (pun intended). The policy paid off big-time when silicone addict Posh Spice convinced her hubby, soccer superstar David Beckham, to sign with junior league team the LA Galaxy.

So next time you're stuck on the 405 Freeway because Nicole Richie fainted at the wheel, remember, it's celebrities that keep LA a world class city.